Friday, February 20, 2009

An Open Letter to Demetri Martin

Dear Demetri,

I have a rat problem, and was glad to learn about Creedocide on your show. I tried it, but the rats are still there. You said they would kill each other. Instead, they just developed advanced societies, had lots of babies, and now their competitive missionary zeal has caused them to inhabit my entire house. The mutual killing you predicted was intermittent at best. You see, the Christian rats were forbidden by their own religion to kill, which significantly reduced the anticipated bloodshed; and the Muslim rats, as the honorable Joe Biden explains, at times went bezerk, but were predominantly sedate. Creedocide banked on an exception of religious violence that proved to be no rule.

I'm writing to recommend a new product I've developed called "Swedocide," named after the most secular country in the world. Here's how it works. You send in a decoy atheist rat who completely misunderstands and/or hates the Christian and Muslim rat traditions. He's very clever, and soon the rats abandon faith altogether. Then comes the best part: They just stop reproducing! Believe it or not, my deluded house-rats are now convinced that they themselves are the problem (and I couldn't agree more). Swedocide works great! Please plug my product on your show.